to him

where are you?? i'm sitting through 6 insipid hours a day, only wondering what you might be doing there, where you are. Are you sitting in your classroom thinking about somebody else? Are you taking down notes to distract yourself from the monotony of college life? or are you making full use of the place you're at and enjoying yourself as much as you can, still bringing joy to others the way i remember you did?
you know, i almost came to see you. in a few days, people i know will be coming to the very place you've been for the past 3 years. they'll probably pass by you, they might even speak to you. little would they know what i'd give for that. and yet, i could've come, you might say. why sit here and feel bad that i won't be seeing you when all i had to do was sign up for something, pack my bags, and just come? you don't know how much strength it took me to stop myself from doing just that. the part of me that so desperately wanted to see you was being painfully (and not always very successfully) silenced by the part of me that's so rational that it sometimes scares me.
do you know? do you know what i've been going through these past few days? amidst all the drama of colleges and future courses, there was also the constant debate of whether to or not, at the back of my mind. yes, there was a point where i became weak. i almost got myself into something that would take me straight to you. i made myself associate with people i'm not comfortable with, people i have a history with, people who know more of me than i'm comfortable with letting them know. i almost did. but then the other side of me won out finally and made me get out.
do you know??