how does a counsellor expect to help someone if they can't even begin to empathise, let alone understand what the person's saying? forget counsellor... how does a friend expect to help? What will you do if someone comes to you with feelings that she's not able to handle, and you don't know what to make of any of it? you know she's not exaggerating, if anything, she's not even able to find the words to tell you just how strong and scary her demons are. what do you do?

what do you do?

to him

where are you?? i'm sitting through 6 insipid hours a day, only wondering what you might be doing there, where you are. Are you sitting in your classroom thinking about somebody else? Are you taking down notes to distract yourself from the monotony of college life? or are you making full use of the place you're at and enjoying yourself as much as you can, still bringing joy to others the way i remember you did?
you know, i almost came to see you. in a few days, people i know will be coming to the very place you've been for the past 3 years. they'll probably pass by you, they might even speak to you. little would they know what i'd give for that. and yet, i could've come, you might say. why sit here and feel bad that i won't be seeing you when all i had to do was sign up for something, pack my bags, and just come? you don't know how much strength it took me to stop myself from doing just that. the part of me that so desperately wanted to see you was being painfully (and not always very successfully) silenced by the part of me that's so rational that it sometimes scares me.
do you know? do you know what i've been going through these past few days? amidst all the drama of colleges and future courses, there was also the constant debate of whether to or not, at the back of my mind. yes, there was a point where i became weak. i almost got myself into something that would take me straight to you. i made myself associate with people i'm not comfortable with, people i have a history with, people who know more of me than i'm comfortable with letting them know. i almost did. but then the other side of me won out finally and made me get out.
do you know??

TEACH(errrr.....)

Aim- To determine the maximum number of usable LORs (letters of recommendation)

Hypothesis- Teachers are lazy and will do as much as they can to avoid doing work

Materials Required- Tons and tons of patience
- Time
- Determination
- Misc stuff like documents etc.

Procedure:
- Approach teachers in various departments
- Explain what you need them to do
- Explain again because they wouldn't have understood the first time
- Enumerate all the ways in which they can shorten their share of work
- Leave
- Come back
- Leave
- Come back
- Repeat last 4 steps till a feeling of hopelessness develops within you
- Continue till a week before deadline
- Panic
- Tell teachers to go to hell
- Fudge the documents yourself

Instructions- "Ma'am I need this work done urgently. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease get off your fatt butt and help me out."

Analysis of Results:
- Collect whatever LORs are actually done. Not to worry since these will be minimal
- Read through them and whiten out the bad stuff that's been written about you and insert more favourable stuff in its place
- Count the number of LORs that have not had too much doctopring and submit them
- This is the number required to prove/ disprove the hypothesis.











Anybody up for practicals......??? ;)

Constant Change

Things change. Situations change. Ideas change. Morals change. But what brings about all these changes... is that people change. Sad but true. It's ok when we all change together. But what happens when you realise that you've changed in one direction, and the people around you have either not changed at all, or gone in the opposite direction? sometimes we say to someone "don't ever change." but do we really mean it? i remember thinking that abt some ppl here. i used to enjoy being with them so much that i hoped they'd never change. you've heard the old saying: be careful what you wish for. i wasn't. i was expecting to thoroughly enjoy myself with the people i used to have such a blast with as early as a year and a half ago. but sadly, i don't think those people exist anymore. they've turned into different people- sarcastic, condescending, selfish... they've turned into people from a different part of my past!!
i went out to dinner a couple of nights ago with 2 boys. I would've used the word 'guys', except 'boys' is more apt. 1 of them, i knew still had a lot of growing up to do. but the other...i lost so much respect for him when we were talking about homosexuality. ok, maybe we all do have the right to our own opinions. i can even respect the opinion of a person who feels that "it's just so..... different.". but i think thas as far as your right to opinion goes. after that, it's just narrow- minded meanness. they were saying how "it's just so freaky!!! being attracted to a woman is what's normal" i got so annoyed after a point!!! i told them "expecting a gay man to be naturally attracted to a woman is as impossible as expecting it to be normal for one of you to be attracted to a man." but no. at the end of the day it was still "so bloody freaky. freaks of nature - yuck!!! they can never reproduce." well by that logic, a barren woman or a sterile man is equally a "freak of nature" or how about someone who just DOESN'T WANT to have kids? does it seem to you like our poor planet has any shortage of human beings? what's the damn urgency to reproduce?
i tell you, i was so shocked that night!!! i used to think this guy was pretty open- minded. or if not open- minded enough to accept it, atleast enough to tolerate it. then came:
Narrow- minded person 1: There's a gay guy in my hostel. he's so weird, nobody wants to have anything to do with him.
Narrow- minded person 2: obviously. if he touched me, i'd kick the hell outta him.
Me: Do you think he's so weird because nobody understands him? maybe nobody's ever understood him. Or even tried to.
Narrow- minded person 2: Who cares? he doesn't deserve for anyone to understand him
Narrow- minded person 1: Yeah, if he chooses such a lifestyle, he deserves it.

uh, hello..... newsflash..... IT'S NOT A CHOICE YOU MORONS!!!!! it's jus the way he is!!! i found myself wishing that that poor guy was sitting there with me instead of these 2 jerks. even if i wouldn't have been able to help with anything, atleast he could sit with me knowing i wasn't judging him, that i was listening to him and trying to understand him, as i would any other human being. key words here: HUMAN BEING!!!! i had nothing more to say the rest of the evening. i was disgusted. as i said, it wasn't the opinions that annoyed me, it was the way those opinions were put forth - so violently. i was disillusioned for quite a while. this was a child who was celebrated in his family as one of the golden kids of the house. this was a child my parents used to compare me to, saying "why aren't you more like him?" Well, all i can say now is... i'm so thankful i'm not like him!!! there are no words to describe how disgusted i'd be if i went into an alternate universe and saw myself talking the way those 2 guys were.
Change. It can be your best friend, or your biggest disappointment, or both. my idea of this guy as someone whose opinions i could respect, was shattered in a matter of about 10 minutes. it was such a huge disappointment, but i gained something priceless... the knowledge that no matter WHAT anybody tells me, no matter HOW MANY of them there are who tell me, this guy was not even a BIT better than me. If i can't respect your opinions, it's because i can't respect you as a person.

forgiveness

a friend's blog inspired me to think about forgiveness. most of it's just rambling, coz this is personally an issue i'm still working with myself on.
forgiveness... it's a powerful thing. but the question is, whose power is it? the forgiver or the forgivee? i think (and i'm talking about when somebody has done something that really hurt, not silly things like forgetting to reply to a hi message) that forgiving someone does take immense personal strength. but only when you truly forgive. true forgiveness means that you both get past whatever it was, and you never even feel the need to bring it up as leverage the next time either of you screws up. forgiveness does NOT mean simply saying "ok never mind" and throwing it in a person's face everytime something remotely threatening comes up. i have a friend like this. everytime he's in a bad mood and wants to behave like a spoilt brat (i think most ppl know who i'm talking abt since i used the word "brat") he brings up something that everybody else has moved on from and then insists that he has too. i'm sorry dude, but if you keep harping on something thas passed and you get emotional everytime the topic comes up, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're not over it. and you probably won't ever get over it unless you decide to grow up. this guy's 20 years old, btw. he behaves like a 15 year old who behaves like a 5 year old. "no i want i want i want" but "i don wanna change anything abt me. if ppl dont like it, they can leave". well guess what baby? they are leaving. and then you can't figure out why. so when a good friend tells you why, you get mad coz deep down inside, you know she's telling the truth. so... who should forgive whom here? should he forgive his friend for being too harsh? or should she forgive him for being such a moron? both probably, to an extent. he should forgive her so that he can have some personal growth. she should forgive him coz thas all he knows... his ego. some ppl think that jus coz they're in iit or doing engineering or biotech or in a romantic relationship, they have the right to walk over those who aren't doing exactly the same thing. thas not forgivable. but as i say, everybody has the right to screw up once. we all deserve a second chance. but thas all. only one second chance. i know ppl who've continued relationships with me on a million second chances. the first time i said to myself "ok cool down, maybe they don't know better." so i try to talk to them. they pretend to listen. then they continue to do whatever it was to hurt me. and they jus NEVER EVER say sorry!!!! how hard is it? i guess saying it is probably easier than meaning it. not saying sorry is one thing, but saying it without meaning it.... hoooooooo boy does that get my blood boiling!!!!!
my biggest weakness is that i take way too long to accept to myself that a relationship just isn't working out. i spend so long in the denial phase that i get used to it, and then i'm stuck taking shit from ppl, and i have to keep taking it coz i've never stood up to them before. this shows lack of self- awareness. it means i'm not aware of how much i'm worth. i'm not aware that i deserve to be in relationships with ppl who love me as much as i love them, and show it too. they don't take me for granted. a big thank you to my 4 angels (you know who you are) who showed me that i AM worth it. i DO deserve better. there's no reason in the world for me to continue being with ppl who don't deserve me.
but... everything takes time. it takes a lot of time and energy to change not only the way you behave, but the way you think. we may be able to mask our feelings through our behaviour, but how do we mask our thoughts? and why should we? we're the only ones who know what we're thinking!! so we may as well think and see the world the way want to, a way thas conducive to our own growth and peace of mind.
things that some ppl can say so naturally like "i dont like your tone" or "please don't be so insensitive" is so difficult for someone who's spent a majority of most of her relationships being made to feel like she's "not good enough" or "just the one whom everybody just HAPPENS to walk all over" (which again is partly my fault too, for LETTING them walk over me). but it's also so empowering, to finally have something to retort, not to be mean, but just in self- defence. and thas all it is, really. self- defence.

Angel

A silly game made me think deeply about the roles we expect people to fulfil just because we tell them that that particular role is what we've decided to give them. How can you just expect someone to pick a chit with your name on it and expect that person to suddenly start caring about you? An angel is someone in your heart, someone who gives you strength and hope and helps you believe in yourself, and helps you decide which path to take. Some people call this their conscience. Others call it intuition. Others call it judgement. I call it my angel. My angel's about 6 years old, and he's still 17 years old. He was born 14, grew along with me to the age of 17, and then stopped. He smiles with me, and tells me to cry when i have to. He gives me his shoulder when i do cry. I don't think he was ever real, yet he's as real to me as anything else, maybe even more. Hyperreality, this is called. When you're unable to distinguish between what's real and what's "real". And who's to tell you what's real? How do you find out whether it's real or not? Whether it ever was? Our reality is what we want to perceive as real, or what we imagine we perceive as real. My angel is here for me. He probably always will be. I don't want him to leave me. This I can control. I can shut him out of my life forever, as I've done with so many others before, and as has been done to me. But no. My angel is my angel.
Who cares about a silly game? Secret Angel? Nah, he's no secret. Never was. Never will be.

Empty Seat

I dreamt about you that morning. I dreamt about you all that day. I even saw someone outside who looked like you and my heart stopped for a few seconds. As i reminded myself to breathe, I was confused by the combined relief and disappointment that was leaving me with every deep breath. How will I feel the next time I see you? Will I still feel the awe I always felt when you stood in front of me? Or the warmth I felt at that sparkle in your eyes? Or the security I felt when you smiled your warm smile? Or the combination of awe, warmth, security and overwhelming love I felt when you looked into my eyes, smiled at me, and maybe even said something as inconsequential as "Hi". I've waited for 3 years. I'm still waiting. You don't even have to notice me. You probably never did. I want you to be happy. Content, satisfied with what you're doing, wherever you are. I want to see your smile again. I want to see your eyes dance with that smile, the way they did when my own heart couldn't take anymore. You gave me hope. You gave me strength. My angel, you never even knew how much you did for me, just by letting me see you smile everyday. Your smile was the only reason I had to smile. You'll probably never know.
I waited. Kept looking over to see if you'd arrived yet. But you hadn't. You finally didn't. That evening, you were an empty seat. An empty seat next to a girl whose heart beat faster and faster everytime her eyes fell on it, waiting for you to fill it. Waiting for that moment when your silhouette came to the door, and you came over, closer and closer, and for a change I could see you with my eyes open instead of closed. My angel. You saved my life. I thank you. I love you. You're a dream... A memory...

Follow The Leader

Human beings are such a bundle of contradictions! They work so hard to get to the top, to be the ones giving all the orders, the ones making all the important decisions, getting all the credit. But when it comes to the little things that even a simpleton wouldn't have trouble comprehending, they suddenly decide that they couldn't care less about what goes on, even when they know perfectly well the consequences of ignoring what should be done. I am referring to a particular intersection I pass every morning to get to college. Now this intersection seldom has a cop standing there in the mornings... guess they just don't feel like getting their fat butts out of bed... Man do I know the feeling! Anyways, since this intersection has noone manning it, there's always motorists happily ignoring the traffic lights and going on without even slowing down when the red light comes on. For a few mornings I too followed the crowd and went on. Then I realised that I'd become one of those morons on the road whom I always enjoy cursing at so much. So one morning, just as an experiment, I pointedly stopped at the intersection, just to see what would happen. Would they also stop or would I be the only one stopped there, I wondered. And to my surprise, every single person there stopped their vehicle! Not one person went on past us. Then the green light came on and the silent, unwritten race began. The second that light goes green, every person there accelerates as if his life depended on it. Anyway, so now I take some wierd kind of pride in being the first one to stop there.
Oh and another very strange intersection habit that people seem to have been born with is this irritating habit of honking everybody out of the way when there's still a good 10 seconds left for the light to turn green. So, just to prove a point, I wait till it counts down all the way to 1 and only then do I budge. Man, I cannot BEGIN to tell you what a pleasure it is to piss people off by doing the right thing... it's awesome. And this one time, I even talked really loudly on my cell, while I was on a call with my mom, and said something like," Ok mom, I have to go. There's only another 30 seconds left and all these fools will insist on moving at 20 itself" Ha!!! The guilty looks on the faces of all the motorists around me! What a Kodak moment! Every one there had been intending to do the very thing I'd indirectly accused them of wanting to do, and can you believe it, not ont of them started their bikes before 5! That was just So cool! And it got me thinking... How come people only think about doing the right thing when they think somebody else is watching them? Everyone sits and delivers long sermons to their kids about always doing the right thing, following rules because it's for their own good... that's what you call talking out of your ass! If you don't follow rules, why do you pretend to be some kind of saint? Just come out with it and say" Ok fine, I don't follow rules. I'm a terrible citizen and it's because of people like me that our country is in the pitiable state it's in." At least then you'll be an honest terrible citizen. Otherwise you're just a weasel!
So look for instances you can make better just by doing your part. People will follow. And who knows how many accidents and misfortunes you could be preventing?

Blank Noise

anyone who's managed to stay even faintly in contact with me should know that i'm a member of Blank Noise Project. I can't tell you exactly what it's about but i can tell you this - it basically fights, i dunno if 'fights' is the right term, but it resists eveteasing. To know more, check out the blog - www.blanknoiseproject.blogspot.com and sign up if you think it has any relevence to you or someone you know. Don't just take it and take it... Men have absolutely NO right to invade your personal boundaries just so that THEY can feel more macho or whatever the hell it is they do it for. Girls, ladies... FIGHT IT!! If you let them carry on what they do, it's as if you're giving them permission to do or say whatever they like and get away with it. Don't just accept things coming to you. If it bothers you, say so. If it makes you uncomfortable, do something about it. No girl can honestly tell me that it doesn't bother her when she's publicly humiliated, through no fault of her own, just to satisfy some guys ego. And even if she does say it doesn't bother her, it's probably because she's just so used to it that she's begun to ignore it. (Still not very likely, I think)
And what's the deal with all these rules we have to follow when we're out? We can't talk loudly, we can't whistle, we can't just cackle like a bunch of maniacs.... Sit right, Walk right, Eat right, Talk right..... EVERYBODY JUST SHUT UP!!! I mean, who the hell are you to tell me what i can and can't do when i'm out with my friends? As long as it doesn't offend anyone, I don't see what your deal is. Just because you're too repressed to enjoy yourself, and i mean REALLY enjoy yourself, just letting yourself go, don't try and take it out on us.
I refuse to follow a bunch of rules which don't even make any sense. I'm gonna enjoy myself, I'm gonna freak out. And if you don't have the courage to do that, well, that's just too bad! Allow yourself to be stifled, and you will be stifled.
So who's with me?
oh, and check out the Blank Noise Project blog... If you're still not able to perk up the guts to call and be a part of it, then i really feel sorry for you.

The anger stays with me
Past it I can't see
Do whatever you want, I don't care
Stay here or go there
Stand up or sit down
Wear a tiara or a crown

But don't you dare
tell me what to do
I'll take you down
Your pride and ego too
Get out of my face
This isn't your place

Crawl back quietly into your hole
while I recover what they stole
Myself, the only one i ever depend on
All those liars, all gone
Get back behind that mask, you coward
I stand for truth, you might have heard

Everyone putting on his facade
never letting down his guard
watching while his life passes by
till finally, it's too late to cry

You refused to see past
what you thought was true
Refused to open your mind
Never looked within or around you
Never understood, just accepted
Never questioned, just flowed with it

Now it's just me, fighting
against all the wrongs from which, all this time,
you've been hiding

Words Worth absolutely nothing!

Hey! Ok first off, i'll have to start off with a huge apology to some people (and by this I mean especially Shoma) who'll be expecting a nice bitching session here. Unfortunately, not gonna happen. You'll understand why later.
Ok. Here's what happened. I was supposed to make a presentation on William Wordsworth's ideas on literary criticism. Now, I'm not one of those people who can just mug up the stuff they have to say and simply blurt it all out. I talk to my audience, try to make them understand what i'm trying to say. So my approach was pretty casual. Casual in the sense that I was just standing up there and talking to the class, the way I normally talk. Our teacher didn't like that much. Actually, let me rephrase that... Our teacher didn't like that AT ALL. So you could see her getting visibly more and more annoyed. Now this is a teacher who always just HAS to interrupt you halfway through your presentations to add in her extra points. I'm not saying don't add them, I'm just saying add them later. I'm losing my train of thought here dude! Anyways, so she finally said "ok fine that's enough please sit down."
I was a little taken aback. So was almost the rest of the class. It was just so abrupt and so downright rude, nobody knew what to do or say. So I stepped down, muttering ALL the two swear words I know... over and over again. Man I was pissed!!! I was about to cry then I realised she wasn't worth it. So I just went through the rest of the period quietly, stiff as a post, not even pretending or trying to disguise my utter fury.
Then when class was over I heard my friends bitching about it nicely to me... How could she? How dare she? What the hell? etc. etc. etc... But I'd managed to gain some control of myself by that time, luckily for everyone. Later, after the rest of them had left, I was still waiting coz I only had to leave in some 20 minutes or so for something else. I was listening to my music and still fuming when I saw ma'am walking down the drive. I saw her coming toward me, out of the corner of my eye and was sure that she was gonna come and give me some big lecture or something. Actually, all she said was that she was feeling really bad about what happened and she wanted to apologise.
So she had apologised. So what? Did that mean I was supposed to just let it go or something? DUH! Of course it does! It takes a big person to apologise. Let me tell you something.... You can screw up so bad, you don't know what the hell you were thinking when you were screwing up. But all you have to do is give me a sincere apology and try to make it right. That's enough! Simple as that. All you have to do. And it's a known fact that there aren't a lot of adults who believe in apologising to "children" like us. Some of them think it's not right of you to expect an adult to apologise. I believe that's utter crap! When you're wrong, just apologise dude! What the hell do you lose? In fact, if you ask me, it's just gonna earn you someone's respect. So why don't you? I don't get this whole "He had to swallow his pride and apologise" thing. Why swallow your pride? You're just gonna be all the better for it after you do.
Ok, think I'm done. Well, for now anyways. Cheers!

Points of View

You see authority, I see arrogance
You see society, I see hypocrites
You see the kindness of a stranger, I see the basic duty of every human being
You see perfection, I see deceit
You see pain, I see truth
You see intolerance, I see misunderstanding
You see fashionable, I see shallow
You see recklessness, I see adventure
You see terrorist, I see revolutionary
You see obstacles, I see opportunity
You see insubordination, I see courage
You see caution, I see fear

Easy

I was jus thinking abt how guys are such huge hypocrites... especially where anything sexual is concerned. So it got me thinking... If guys think we (girls) are so easy, maybe someone should tell them exactly how easy THEY are... I mean, think abt it.. we might at least show SOME restraint at the idea, but they'll jump into bed wit almost anything that'll agree to stay still long enough! Any thoughts?

It's a boy!!!

I just bought the CUTEST little guinea pig this afternoon! There's this pet store down my road which I've always just passed by. You know how it is, you live in a place long enough, you just kinda take everything around your place for granted, I mean, it's just there. It just is. But today, something just told me to go in there and have a look. So I did. And I saw all kinds of colourful birds, a couple of kittens, lots of aquariums, a hamster and, of course, a guinea pig. Such a cute guinea pig. He was the first one to catch my eye. Then I asked about the others there and it turned out that this little guy was just in my price range too. As if it was just meant to be. As if the universe had finally decided that enough was enough and it was time I had myself my own little roommate. FINALLY!
So anyway, I came back home and frantically began assembling every currency note I could find in my room. I say frantically because I'd also seen a couple of other people eyeing the little cutie who was supposed to mine. But luckily for me, they seemed to have slightly more expensive taste in their four-legged companions. So what'd they do? Dumped the idea of buying a cheap guinea pig and bought one that was for 20,000 bucks. I frankly couldn't see any difference whatsoever. And it turns out, I had just enough. Like I said, as if it was meant to be.
So I rushed back with the money, praying he was still there, and there he was, just waiting to be taken home. So i brought him home and put out all the newspapers etc etc etc... I'm gonna call him Patches coz he has patches of black, white and brown. Beautiful guy. But poor fellow, he seemed so scared! (Wisecracks to yourself, plz) So as of now, I'm just giving him a little time to get used to this new place. Then I'll be able to enjoy him a lot more, I reckon.
Anyways, that's it for now, I guess. Just wanted to share my joy of buying my very first four-legged roommate with everybody out there. Cheers poeple!