forgiveness

a friend's blog inspired me to think about forgiveness. most of it's just rambling, coz this is personally an issue i'm still working with myself on.
forgiveness... it's a powerful thing. but the question is, whose power is it? the forgiver or the forgivee? i think (and i'm talking about when somebody has done something that really hurt, not silly things like forgetting to reply to a hi message) that forgiving someone does take immense personal strength. but only when you truly forgive. true forgiveness means that you both get past whatever it was, and you never even feel the need to bring it up as leverage the next time either of you screws up. forgiveness does NOT mean simply saying "ok never mind" and throwing it in a person's face everytime something remotely threatening comes up. i have a friend like this. everytime he's in a bad mood and wants to behave like a spoilt brat (i think most ppl know who i'm talking abt since i used the word "brat") he brings up something that everybody else has moved on from and then insists that he has too. i'm sorry dude, but if you keep harping on something thas passed and you get emotional everytime the topic comes up, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that you're not over it. and you probably won't ever get over it unless you decide to grow up. this guy's 20 years old, btw. he behaves like a 15 year old who behaves like a 5 year old. "no i want i want i want" but "i don wanna change anything abt me. if ppl dont like it, they can leave". well guess what baby? they are leaving. and then you can't figure out why. so when a good friend tells you why, you get mad coz deep down inside, you know she's telling the truth. so... who should forgive whom here? should he forgive his friend for being too harsh? or should she forgive him for being such a moron? both probably, to an extent. he should forgive her so that he can have some personal growth. she should forgive him coz thas all he knows... his ego. some ppl think that jus coz they're in iit or doing engineering or biotech or in a romantic relationship, they have the right to walk over those who aren't doing exactly the same thing. thas not forgivable. but as i say, everybody has the right to screw up once. we all deserve a second chance. but thas all. only one second chance. i know ppl who've continued relationships with me on a million second chances. the first time i said to myself "ok cool down, maybe they don't know better." so i try to talk to them. they pretend to listen. then they continue to do whatever it was to hurt me. and they jus NEVER EVER say sorry!!!! how hard is it? i guess saying it is probably easier than meaning it. not saying sorry is one thing, but saying it without meaning it.... hoooooooo boy does that get my blood boiling!!!!!
my biggest weakness is that i take way too long to accept to myself that a relationship just isn't working out. i spend so long in the denial phase that i get used to it, and then i'm stuck taking shit from ppl, and i have to keep taking it coz i've never stood up to them before. this shows lack of self- awareness. it means i'm not aware of how much i'm worth. i'm not aware that i deserve to be in relationships with ppl who love me as much as i love them, and show it too. they don't take me for granted. a big thank you to my 4 angels (you know who you are) who showed me that i AM worth it. i DO deserve better. there's no reason in the world for me to continue being with ppl who don't deserve me.
but... everything takes time. it takes a lot of time and energy to change not only the way you behave, but the way you think. we may be able to mask our feelings through our behaviour, but how do we mask our thoughts? and why should we? we're the only ones who know what we're thinking!! so we may as well think and see the world the way want to, a way thas conducive to our own growth and peace of mind.
things that some ppl can say so naturally like "i dont like your tone" or "please don't be so insensitive" is so difficult for someone who's spent a majority of most of her relationships being made to feel like she's "not good enough" or "just the one whom everybody just HAPPENS to walk all over" (which again is partly my fault too, for LETTING them walk over me). but it's also so empowering, to finally have something to retort, not to be mean, but just in self- defence. and thas all it is, really. self- defence.